Moosejaw Daily Madness

At dinner last night The Girl started explaining to me that she wanted to get braces. As we continued talking it turned out The Girl didn’t want braces at all but she thinks I should get braces. More specifically she suggested Invisalign. I haven’t checked it out yet but I imagine that once I get it done I’ll look exactly like Charlie Sheen in Red Dawn.

What was the last show on ABC to get Neilson’s top-rated show for a year? By last, I mean most recent. Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will list my favorite subjects in high school. Please email me at Trapper@moosejaw.com for this riveting auto-reply.

Yesterday’s answer was Lou Gehrig.

Have the best Saturday ever.

Love the Madness

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I prefer vanilla Oreos to chocolate Oreos. Why then does cookies and cream ice cream taste great when made with chocolate cookies but not so good with vanilla? I propose it has something to do with the notion that Ptolemy was right and the earth is actually the center of the universe. Please read “My Baby’s Going to Mexico to Meet a Penguin” for more details.

The Baseball Writers Association named who as the best first baseman of all times? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will include two quotes from baseball movies and a brief description of the outfit I’m wearing right now. Please email me at Trapper@moosejaw.com for this important auto-reply.

Yesterday’s answer was ESPN.

Have a really good Friday.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Ladies and Gentleman – Total emergency. Please use coupon code 531 to get 25% off any Reef sandals in the world. Please note, 531 will probably only work for Reefs at Moosejaw.com as opposed to all the Reefs in the world. While I hope you feel a little exploited there is really no reason you shouldn’t at least be grabbing a couple pair of sandals. 531 will only work today and tomorrow. Sorry for being so mean about it.

Bill Rasmussen started what television network? Please email me your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com. Please and thank you I mean.

Yesterday’s answer was Germany.

Have the best Thursday ever.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

The Girl did Reiki on a friend and the friend got sick. The friend is positive The Girl is a witch.

What European country consumes the most oil? Please email me your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com.

Yesterday’s answer was London, Heathrow.

Have an okay Wednesday.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

In the interest of exploitation we’re giving away a Free Clubber Lang or Foxxy Cleopatra tee with any Moosejaw apparel purchase today. Here’s what you do…

1. Place an order for some Moosejaw apparel thing or another and then add either tee to your cart and enter coupon code 441. The Clubber or Foxxy tee will be Free and everything in the world will be really good aside from all the stuff that isn’t that good.

2. There is no number two.

3. There isn’t a number three either.

4. Moosejaw apparel means Moosejaw tees, hoodies, hats, etc.

What’s the world’s busiest airport not located in the US? Please email your answers to Trapper@moosejaw.com.

Yesterday’s answer was Minnesota.

Have an outstanding Tuesday please.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Please check out the new Moosejaw sizing chart. This isn’t the final version and it isn’t posted on the site yet so please consider this some sort of honor to be seeing it. It’s worth reading and then complaining about how you wasted your time reading it to at least two strangers.

According to my people, in 2007 Vermont was listed as the healthiest US state. What state was second healthiest? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will include two quotes from people I am unfamiliar with. Please email me at Trapper@moosejaw.com for this important auto-reply.

Yesterday’s answer was Brazil.

Have the best Monday of your life.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

My computer is broken. I apparently have so many emails in my Outlook that it barely works. If anyone knows how to fix it aside from deleting emails or auto-archiving please let me know. Actually, please email me saying you know how to solve it but you prefer not to share the info.

Section Two

Section Three

What percent of the earth’s water is salt water…77%, 87% or 97%? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will include two quotes from Steve Jobs and one quote from either Carrie Underwood or Mandy Moore depending on the update I get from someone. Please email me at Trapper@moosejaw.comfor this important auto-reply.

Yesterday’s answer was one…New York City.

Have just an alright Friday.

Love the madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Please check Granny’s Podcast. It’s not just good. It’s important.

Among the Top 20 most populous cities in the world, how many are in the US? Please email your answer to me at Trapper@moosejaw.com.

Yesterday’s answer was Canada.

Have the best Thursday of your life please.

Love the madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

They say checking your Blackberry during dinner is slimming.

What country has the longest coastline? Please email your answer to me at Trapper@moosejaw.com.

Yesterday’s answer was John Jay.

Have an alright Wednesday.

Love the madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

If you're a little bored check out this contest at Fitness Travel Gear.

If you're super bored please read the captions on pages 12, 14 and 15 of the Moosejaw Mini Catalog thing. The captions are at the way bottom of the page.

If you're not bored at all please grab some cheese or meat from your fridge and whip it at a stranger who couldn't beat you in a fight.

Alexander Hamilton, James Madison and what other fellow wrote the Federalist Papers? Please email your answer to me at Trapper@moosejaw.com.

Yesterday's answer was Frederick Muhlenberg.

Have the best Tuesday ever.

Love the madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Here’s a play about us getting rid of some stuff from our house to give to charity. It’s actually an email exchange which will likely be the way all plays are seen in the future. Also, it’s totally uninteresting.

The Girl: I called Got Junk and they’re picking up a bunch of stuff.
Me: Great. When are they coming? Can they take all the garbage too so I don’t have to take it out?
The Girl: Yes. I was going to ask.
Me: Are they coming today? Can we get someone to work full time just on the side of the house to take the garbage away real time?
The Girl: You need help.
Me: Does that mean they’re coming today? If they don’t come by sundown tomorrow it will be like all my dreams have been dashed. Why are dreams always dashed. I bet no one knows what that means. Are you working on the side of the house thing?

Who was the first person to serve as the Speaker of the House? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will include four quotes from Kurt Vonnegut. Please email me at Trapper@moosejaw.com for the auto-reply.

Yesterday’s answer was Arizona.

Have a pretty good Monday but not great.

Love the madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Vincent: I ain't saying it's right. But you're saying a foot massage don't mean nothing, and I'm saying it does. Now look, I've given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like they don't, but they do, and that's what's so fucking cool about them. There's a sensuous thing going on where you don't talk about it, but you know it, she knows it, fucking Marsellus knew it, and Antwan should have fucking better known better. I mean, that's his fucking wife, man. He can't be expected to have a sense of humor about that shit. You know what I'm saying?
Jules: That's an interesting point. Come on, let's get into character.
-Pulp Fiction

Tombstone was located in what state? I think I could have said ‘is’ located in what state. If you look it up you’ll for sure get it right in about ten seconds. I missed it. Who cares what I did? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will list three things that I’ve done today. The auto-reply will be really boring. Please email me at Trapper@moosejaw.com to get it.

Yesterday’s answer was one.

Have the best Sunday ever please.

Love the madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I made up this play from an exchange I saw last night…

Fade into the grocery store next door to Moosejaw…
Fellow behind the bread counter: What state is Oklahoma in?
Lady in front of me in line to the fellow behind the bread counter: Oklahoma is a state.
Fellow behind the bread counter: Oh. I never heard of it.

Fade out…

According to my people, how many of Van Gogh’s paintings were sold while he was alive…0,1 or 2? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will include two quotes from people who like to paint and one quote from a lion. Please email me at Trapper@moosejaw.com for this important auto-reply.

Yesterday’s answer was Russia.

Have an alright Saturday please.

Love the madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Today is the first guest daily remark day since I’ve returned from Cape Canaveral and it’s important. If you know Wendy or her sister please send a present. I’m thinking either an i-Tunes gift card, the Goodnight Takashi or some soap.

Dear Sis,

Remember the time we played school as kids, and you, as the teacher, gave me a snack of oreos and milk, and I, as the student, was in the middle of drinking my milk when you made a joke, and I laughed so hard that the milk came out of my nose?

Well… I forgave you for being so mean, and was thinking that maybe you can forgive me for my stupid and insensitive ways… like forgetting to shut off the speaker button on the cell phone before I started ranting about you, so you accidentally heard all… oops…

Love the Madness,
Wendy from NY

The United States purchased Alaska from what country? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will include two quotes about luck and a list of five people. Please email me at Trapper@moosejaw.com.

Yesterday’s answer was the 1960’s. It was 1964.

Have the best Friday ever.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I can’t figure out how to turn bullet point three below into a good story but it was funny when it happened. Please don’t read it.

• It’s the Moosejaw Intern’s second day today.
  Steve Zissou: Anne-Marie, do all the interns get Glocks?
  Anne-Marie Sakowitz: No, they all share one.
  -Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
  


• The Nathan Muir was recently named the best shirt ever at Moosejaw by the lady who sits next to me. If you want to order it and get Free ground shipping, place an order and enter code 447 and the shipping will be plain old Free.


• I went out with four friends for dinner last night who were all boys. We got a big salad for the table and no one knew what to do with it so we just stared at it.

Jeopardy first aired on tv in what decade? Please email your answer to me at Trapper@moosejaw.com for this important auto-reply.

Yesterday’s answer was zero.

Have a pretty good Thursday.

Love the Madness

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

If you haven’t signed up for the Win Two Mountain Hardwear Tents contest you probably should. There’s a new winner everyday and no one likes Moosejaw all that much so if you sign up you probably have about a twenty percent chance of winning. Then, if you’re really bored you should check out this Roxy home page just because it’s ridiculous. That’s all.

How many US Presidents had the last name Smith? Please email your answer to me at Trapper@moosejaw.com.

Yesterday’s answer was Phil Jackson.

Have the best Wednesday of your life.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

We have the best contest ever this month. Really. Please click I Saw the Lady Who Lives Across the Street from Me Mostly Naked to check it out. Also, I didn’t see the lady across the street from me mostly naked but I think she saw me mostly naked.

The NBA named the 10 Greatest Teams for a single season in history of the NBA. Only one coach coached more than one of the teams listed in the top ten. Who is the coach? Please email your answer to me at Trapper@moosejaw.com.

Yesterday’s answer was Laurence Olivier’s Hamlet.

Have an okay Tuesday please.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

The neighbors must have had some sort of party this weekend because they have about a hundred bags of garbage on the sidewalk and garbage day isn’t until Wednesday morning. Couldn’t have worked out better that I wasn’t invited to the party. I imagine the entire rest of the neighborhood was there. It was probably great. More importantly, I can only imagine the discussions at the house about how to deal with all the garbage. Do we take it out today and leave it there until Wednesday? What will everyone say? Do we call the city for an early pick up? What about a trash compactor? What do we do from now until Wednesday morning…just look at the garbage?

Please note, recently I mentioned that I wouldn’t talk about the garbage anymore. They said that only relates to the garbage at my own house and that I’m actually encouraged to talk about other people’s garbage.

What was the first British film to win an Oscar? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will include two quotes about love and one quote from Grover Cleveland. Please email your answer to me at Trapper@moosejaw.com.

Yesterday’s answer was the sea otter.

Have an okay Monday.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Around last September 1st one of my dumb friends starting emailing me what he was having for breakfast every day. At first I ignored it. Then, on September 9th I emailed him that he wasn’t funny but that if he could do it every day until May 9th and never miss a day then it would probably be funny. He did it. Today was his last morning. Everyone please take a moment today to thank Fran for his idiotic stroke of genius. We’re thinking the moment should be anywhere from two to eight hours.

What president ‘originally’ proposed the US Strategic Defense Initiative or Star Wars? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, the auto-reply today will include a list of random letters and numbers for you to secure your router at home. Please email me at Trapper@moosejaw.com for the auto-reply.

Yesterday’s answer was the Mississippi.

Have the greatest Friday of your life.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Please be sure to watch the Real World tonight. Will has worn something Moosejaw every episode so far this year and he’s super cool even though I’m so not cool that I’m not sure I am allowed to call out someone who is. And, I for sure just jinxed everything and he’ll never wear any Moosejaw on the show again. Really, I don’t think I jinxed anything and I don’t believe in a jinx although I do believe you shouldn’t mess with a good thing. That’s pretty much it.

Click Here to check out a screen shot of Will in Moosejaw on the show. It’s from last Wednesday’s show.

What state is Mt.Vernon located in? Please email your answer to me at Trapper@moosejaw.com for this important auto-reply.

Yesterday’s answer was The College of William and Mary.

Have the best Sunday in history aside from Sunday, May 20th, 2007.

Love the Madness

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Three emergencies…

1. Our Mother’s Day Home Page is worth checking out. We’re not getting nearly as many complaints as last year when we did some promotion about your mom being in jail. Not your mom in particular though.
2. Our Chaco e-Gift Card thing is a really good deal and I hope you’re feeling a little bit exploited.
3. Here is our annual Mother’s Day Poem along with directions…

NOTE TO MOOSEJAW CUSTOMER: go ahead and edit this if there are parts that don't work for you. Then either print this out and tape it into a card from the store or handwrite it. If you've been using our work the last few years then you know the drill. If you're new, just trust me that this is the card your mom wants and she will cry and hug you like never before. The mean lawyer won't let me use the word 'guaranteed' but it's pretty much guaranteed.

Mom -

I wrote this poem for you because the cards off the shelves are generic and you are anything but.

How do I capture the essence of you,
How do I say the things I so strongly feel,
How do I write what I know to be true,
How do I show that this feeling is real.

Maybe if I thank you for all you've done,
Maybe if I put my words into rhyme,
Maybe if I say that I love you,
Maybe if I say it a thousand times.

So let me just say on this Mother's Day,
That words alone can't capture the years,
It's in my hugs.
It's in my tears.

It's in my hugs.
It's in my tears.

Happy Mother's Day.
I Love you Mom.

NOTE TO MOOSEJAW CUSTOMER: Now you go hug your mom. Tears are optional.

Which President’s portrait is on the $100,000 bill? Please email your answer to me atTrapper@moosejaw.com

Yesterday’s answer was three…ExxonMobil, Chevron and ConocoPhillips.

Have the best Tuesday of all times except for maybe Tuesday, June 5th, 2007.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Emergency…Please click here to check out our new mini catalog and please read every line.

Among the Top Ten US Fortune 500 companies in 2007, how many are oil companies? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will include two quotes from Will Ferrell movies and one quote from Andrew Jackson. Please email me at
Trapper@moosejaw.com

Yesterday’s answer was Dennis Miller.

Have the best Monday ever.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I am the last barman poet / I see America drinking the fabulous cocktails I make / Americans getting stinky on something I stir or shake / The sex on the beach / The schnapps made from peach / The velvet hammer / The Alabama slammer. / I make things with juice and froth / The pink squirrel / The three-toed sloth. / I make drinks so sweet and snazzy / The iced tea / The kamakazi / The orgasm / The death spasm / The Singapore sling / The dingaling. / America you've just been devoted to every flavor I got / But if you want to got loaded / Why don't you just order a shot? / Bar is open.
-Brian, Cocktail

Adam Sandler was supposedly discovered by what comedian? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer, today’s auto-reply will include three quotes from Adam Sandler movies. Please email me at Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Yesterday’s answer was 25.
Have a really, really, really, really good rest of Sunday.
Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

In light of the fact that they’ll be removing seat backs on the chairs of all airplanes I think it’s really important to practice having exceptional posture. Please do the following…

1. Combine whites with colors whenever doing the laundry no matter what the consequences.
2. Instead of washing your dishes in the sink with the typical scrubber use a small stuffed animal.
3. Carry an x-ray of a friend’s tibia with you at all times.
4. The present is fleeting. Strictly focus on the future and the past.

How many times zones are there? Today is an auto-reply day. In addition to the answer today’s auto-reply will include one quote from Einstein and one quote from a ghost. Please email me at Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Yesterday’s answer was was the cosmopolitan sailfish.

Have decent rest of Saturday.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I usually listen to ESPN radio on my way to work in the morning. However, because I’ve been going through Starbucks drive through every morning, I’ve decided to try putting some light love on as I get to the window. Just a little something to entertain the people. This morning I was lucky enough to get the Bee Gees How Deep Is Your Love which resulted in a free extra shot of espresso in my drink which I really didn’t want.

According to my people, what’s the fastest fish? Today is an auto-reply day. There’s a YouTube clip on the auto-reply today and I don’t think we’ve ever done that before. I wouldn’t click through if I were you. Yes, I would. No, I wouldn’t. Yes. Okay. Please email your answer to me at Trapper@moosejaw.com for the auto-reply.

Yesterday’s answer was Gaea.

Have the best Friday ever.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Dear The Girl - We have no vanilla ice cream in the house. If this is your subtle way of saying it’s over, I understand. You’d be so much better off without me anyway. You and some Fabio-type…both of you draped in beautiful gold chains strolling the Champs-Elysees.

In Greek Mythology who is the goddess of earth? Please email your answer to me at Trapper@moosejaw.com.

Yesterday’s answer was Antarctica.

Have the best Thursday ever.

Love the madness.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com