Moosejaw Daily Madness

Dear The Girl,

I think I broke the microwave this morning. It wouldn’t work so I pressed a bunch of buttons and now it keeps going on and off randomly. So, if you need to microwave something I recommend standing by the microwave all morning hoping it goes live and getting your food inside it superfast. I’ve never loved you more.

In 1821, Mexico gained its independence from what country? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for a terrible auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was Mississippi.

Love the Madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

A week ago today I sent an emergency ice cream update from my mom. It was an email from my mom to my brother. Here’s a super important follow-up from my mom...

Please be aware that I am now addicted to the ice cream sandwiches. I’ve taught the staff the best way to make it and I bring my own plastic container with me so the sandwich doesn’t get messed up with the to-go bag they normally give. The key is split the amount of ice cream into several (or at least two) scoops. Picture a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with the peanut butter piled in the middle of the sandwich versus spread out all over the bread. Spreading is essential. My freezer is loaded with ice cream sandwiches right now.

I hope to get to the ice cream place to interview the staff for next week’s update. That’s all.

Elvis Presley was born in what state? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an important auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was Ted Williams.

Have a great Monday.

Love the Madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

"Remember us." As simple an order as a king can give. "Remember why we died." For he did not wish tribute, nor song, nor monuments nor poems of war and valor. His wish was simple. "Remember us," he said to me. That was his hope, should any free soul come across that place, in all the countless centuries yet to be. May all our voices whisper to you from the ageless stones, "Go tell the Spartans, passerby, that here by Spartan law, we lie."
-Dilios, 300

Who was the last major league baseball player to end the season with a batting average over .400? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History.

Have a great Sunday.

Love the Madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

This is a true story. I went to the bar last night for a friend’s birthday. At one point I ordered four beers from a girl walking by our table who looked like a waitress and gave her a $20. She was never to be seen again so I’m thinking that she probably wasn’t a waitress. I definitely deserved to lose the $20... mostly because ghosts are spooky.

What US museum was visited more than any other in 2007? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for this important auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was 1789.

Have a decent Saturday.

Love the Madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Here’s a list of projects The Girl emailed me to do this weekend.

• Clean the garage.
• Sweep the gross leaves off the driveway.
• Do something with the broken light outside the house by the front door.
• We need new garbage cans. Can you get those?
• Hook the hose up and see if it works.

I think the list is pretty reasonable but there’s no chance I’m sweeping the leaves. I think it’s bad for the environment to sweep leaves.

That’s all.

The US War Department first established an official army in what year? 1784, 1789 or 1794? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was Jack the Ripper.

Have the best Friday ever.

Love the Madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Total emergency…Check the Model shoot post on our blog thing immediately. Try to pay particular attention to Beauty Eyes in the pink Moosejaw tee and Talley Pretty Gonzales in the blue helmet. They’re both in the ice cave pic. Click here to check it out.

Who killed Elizabeth Stride and Catherine Eddowes? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for this important auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was the vacuum.

Have an incredible Thursday.

Love the Madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Nothing better than getting some decent advice. Please check this email from Jessie which was in response to some of my ice cream issues. My response is below.

Try adding instant oatmeal (preferable cinnamon flavored) to your chocolate ice cream. It's awesome. Not the whole package though unless you want it. Extra cinnamon and chocolate chunks can make it even better.

Have the best ice cream ever.

Love the food,
Jessie

Jessie – Thanks so much. To me, nothing is more important than having ice cream before bed. I can assure you there are many nights I don’t even want ice cream but I feel compelled to have it for the sake of the world. I don’t like chocolate even though I’m good with Oreos. So, last night I tried plain old vanilla ice cream with your recommended oatmeal and cinnamon. It wasn’t just good it was great. Next time I’ll add the oatmeal the second I pull the ice cream from the freezer so it isn’t difficult to manage ice cream melting issues. I suggest we continue this dialogue until at least the summer solstice.

Hubert Cecil Booth is credited for having invented what? Please email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an auto-reply that will probably not make you laugh. Yesterday’s answer was Sony.

Have a terrible Wednesday.

Love the Madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

• We’ve got a new blog thing going at Moosejaw. Please click I’m Sort of Sick of Blogs to check it out.


• Someone told me I looked exactly like Spike Lee.


• I got new running shoes. The company sent me the wrong color and they’re super bright red and I don’t think I’ve ever worn anything red aside from my red derby hat and my reddish kimono. But I’m too lazy to send the shoes back. So, if you see someone who looks exactly like Spike Lee running in bright red shoes and maybe a simple halter top please assume it’s me and blast a little Barry Manilow out your window so I’m inspired to run faster.


• Thank you for your time.

What company launched the first commercial cd player? Please email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for a special Tuesday auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was ABC.

Have an amazing rest of your Tuesday.

Love the Madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

My brother recommended that my mom get some sort of homemade ice cream sandwich from a place near his house last night. Here’s a copy of my mom’s email to my brother about the ice cream sandwich. Now you’ll know why I should be in an asylum. Here we go...

I didn’t care for the actual making of the ice cream sandwich since the lady making it dipped the knife in warm water to melt the ice cream before putting the 2nd cookie on top. The ice cream dripped out of the sandwich which was messy and the amount of ice cream didn’t seem proportional to the size of the sandwich. Just not enough actual ice cream for me.

It was hard to bite the cookie itself and since I didn’t really want to risk breaking a tooth I used a knife to cut it and put the bite size pieces in a cup. That was even risky as it demanded a sharp knife and cutting those small bites isn’t easy for an old lady.

The sandwich itself (after working with it for 20 minutes) was great but it was too much trouble and I’ll be heading back to Oberweis as soon as possible.

By the way, she took so long to double wrap the ice cream sandwich that you'd of thought she was handling a million dollar diamond. If I ever go back I’ll order a shake to drink while she prepares the ice cream sandwich.

Enjoyed the evening especially the dog’s greeting.

Love

The Mickey Mouse Club first appeared on what TV Network? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com with three quotes from ex-Mousketeers. Yesterday’s answer was Lincoln.

Have a great Monday.

Love the Madness.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com

You know, when they forced Khruschev out, he sat down and wrote two letters to his successor. He said - "When you get yourself into a situation you can't get out of, open the first letter, and you'll be safe. When you get yourself into another situation you can't get out of, open the second letter". Soon enough, he gets into a tight situation, and he opens the first letter. It says - "Blame it all on me". So he blames it all on the old guy, and it worked like a charm. When he got himself into a second situation, he opened the second letter. It said - "Sit down, and write two letters".
- General Ralph Landry, Traffic

Which President declared the last Thursday in November Thanksgiving Day? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for this important auto-reply. They are all important. Yesterday’s answer was Anne Rice.

Have a terrible Sunday.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

This is true. About a year ago there was a girl in line next to me at Starbucks and she was crying the entire time. I asked her if she was okay or I if could help her or anything like that. She mostly ignored me. Well, I went to Starbucks on my way home from Moosejaw last night and the same girl was there, sitting at a table with a friend and crying. We made eye contact and I think she recognized me…mostly because I was wearing the exact same ascot I was wearing when I saw her a year ago. At first I was thinking all she does is cry but now I’m thinking that whenever she needs to cry she goes to the coffee shop. I think she’s just ahead of her time.

Who was born Howard Allen O'Brien? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was the Miami Dolphins from 1971-1974.

Have a terrific Saturday.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I traded Dating Girl a one minute massage for teaching me how to do an If-Then statement on Excel. Less importantly, but still worth mentioning, I’ve been to every state that starts with the letter I except for Idaho.

Why don’t they make a .com key on computers and why don’t they make an @ button that doesn’t require pressing shift?

We’d normally consider this bullet point number three but we’re not positive that’s accurate for today considering the multiple sentences in bullet point one and two thoughts in bullet point two.

Greenland is considered a part of what continent? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.comfor an auto-reply. Really. Yesterday’s answer was the coach.

Have an alright Thursday.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Someone at Moosejaw just told me that I swish my drinks in my mouth and that it’s annoyed her for at least the past four years. That’s all.

What president started the 'War on Drugs?' Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com. Yesterday’s answer was the Staples Center.

Have a great Friday.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I have nothing today.

The 2008 Grammy Awards were held at what venue? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an auto-reply that will include quotes that include vowels. And consonants. Yesterday’s answer was Marcus Aurelius.

Have a terrible Thursday.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I lost to a girl in Scrabble last night. Not that it’s any excuse but she went to Yale Law School. If I lost I had to mention my loss here. Had I won she had to go out and get me a McDonald’s flurry. I definitely lost and there is no excuse but she did get the Q, Z, J, X and both blanks and I am not making that up. Thank you for your time.

Which Roman Emperor was referred to as 'the wise'? Please email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for the Wednesday auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was Cuba.

Have the best Wednesday ever.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Emergency... I have a new phone. I’m officially using the Blackberry Bold. Aside from the fact that it’s like carrying a small leather briefcase, it’s great. I couldn’t take the iPhone keyboard anymore and had to make the move. If you’re in Royal Oak, Michigan and see someone holding the Bold and draped with ladies and gold medallions that’s probably me.

The United States' Operation Mongoose was a series of covert operations against what country? Please email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an auto-reply. Can you hardly?

Have a great Tuesday.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

• Since the Daily Remark thing started in 2003 I’ve mentioned Mandy Moore 8 times. Vegas had the line at 10 so I hope you took the Under.
• I had rutabaga for the first time last night. It was mostly tasteless and I liked it. I read all about it on Wikipedia but I don’t feel like sharing any of it.
• My manicurist is moving to Windsor, Canada so I’ve got quite a drive there and back these days to get all perfect. It’s worth it though and not just for me. Dare I say... its good for the world.
• Dare I say. Dare, Dare. – What movie? It’s Blazing Saddles but the quote might not be one hundred percent accurate.
• How about this one... You’re a Tremendous Slouch. It’s Caddyshack and I’m guessing the quote is accurate. It was on last night and I watched it for about five seconds and it’s good.
• ssb

What famous novel was first published as The Whale by Richard Bentley? Please email Trapper@moosejaw.com for an important auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was Intel.

Have the best Monday ever.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I ain't saying it's right. But you're saying a foot massage don't mean nothing, and I'm saying it does. Now look, I've given a million ladies a million foot massages, and they all meant something. We act like they don't, but they do, and that's what's so f-cki-g cool about them. There's a sensuous thing going on where you don't talk about it, but you know it, she knows it, fu-kin- Marsellus knew it, and Antwone should have –u-k-ng better known better. I mean, that's his ------- wife, man. He can't be expected to have a sense of humor about that s-it. You know what I'm saying?
-Vincent, Pulp Fiction

What company is the world's number one manufacturer of semiconductors? Please email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for this very interesting auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was Rutgers.

Have a great Sunday.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I had to give my dog a shot this morning. So far he’s not dead. If he lasts two more hours I’ll consider becoming a vet.

Yale, Princeton, Columbia and what other college drafted the first college football rules in 1873? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an auto-reply. It’s not a joke this time. Yesterday’s answer was the US and Canada.

Have the best Saturday ever.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

• Someone at Moosejaw had real pineapple yesterday. It looked really good so I bought a full on real pineapple from the grocery store on the way home from work…with the brown stuff on the outside and everything. When I got home I started to cut it up but it was too difficult so I threw the pineapple away and decided I couldn’t stand myself anymore. Really, I didn’t throw the pineapple away but the story would have been better if I did. Or, if I had.


• I believe I learned a valuable lesson through my pineapple adventures. Perhaps we all did.


• Lastly, I am excited to announce this is the worst remark ever.

The 49th parallel separates what two countries? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an very special auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was Boston.

Have the best Friday ever.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Seems like Gwyneth is taking a lot of hell for her new site. Click She’s So Pretty to check it. I suggest we all figure out a way to start supporting her mostly because she’s so pretty. If you haven’t seen her in the Spain show please stop whatever you’re doing and watch it. Click She’s So Sweet and Cute to check it.

The John F. Kennedy Library is located in what city? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an auto-reply.  I’m serious. Yesterday’s answer was the 1950’s.

Have the best Thursday ever.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Emergency. The Moosejaw Spring Break Catalog is live on the site. Click I’m Going to Tell My Friend I’ve Always Wanted to Kiss His Girlfriend to check it out.

The Smurfs first appeared in what decade? The 50's, 60's, 70's or 80's? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for a great auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was Annie was the first person to go over Niagara Falls.

Have the best Wednesday of all time.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

The only reason I’m not saying where I’m on vacation right now is because I’m concerned someone will stalk me. A girl stalker would be fine though.

Also, the Palo Alto Daily Remark Club will be closing tomorrow due to a complete and total lack of participation.

Thank you.

Annie Edson Taylor is notable for what feat? Please email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for an auto-reply featuring quotes from human people named Annie. Yesterday’s answer was 20.

Have a great Tuesday.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

I saw someone with a San Diego Chargers flag thing on the window of her car this morning. One of these. I’d say that to be driving around Detroit with that thing on your car in March means you’re a pretty big fan. Maybe it was LT.

Here are some important food updates that they’ve recommend you ignore entirely...

We were out of Baked Lays yesterday so The Girl got something called Lays Cracker Crisps or something like that. I ate one and it was all sour cream and onion flavored which made me nearly throw up. I had to chew eleven pieces of gum within a four minute span to even begin to rid the awful taste from my mouth. There was zero mention of sour cream and onions on the bag meaning it really wasn’t The Girl’s fault so we didn’t break up.

On a more positive note, Heartland Original Granola Cereal is the best granola ever and has leapt over Bomb Pops into number nine on the best food ever scale. I ate an entire box yesterday afternoon.

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How many Concordes were built 20, 40 or 60? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for a very special auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was the Pony Express.

Have a great Monday.

Trapper
Moosejaw.com

Food tastes better outside.
-Matt Sarazen, QB2, Dillon Panthers

The First Transcontinental Telegraph replaced what? Email your answer to Trapper@moosejaw.com for a special Sunday auto-reply. Yesterday’s answer was Arizona.

Have a terrible Sunday.
Trapper
Moosejaw.com